I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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