last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
