theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
