this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
