she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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