the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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