Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
