Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
