That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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