: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
