I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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