Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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