ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
