My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
