Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
