I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
