I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
