....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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