also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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