I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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