You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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