Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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