Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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