I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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