i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
