Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I believe in your delicious
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
