My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
