walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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