At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
