so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
