I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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