Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
