Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
