He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
