my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
