i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I want is dick and wine.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
