I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
