Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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