I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
