You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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