She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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