he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
