im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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