Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize