Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
