youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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