Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think my moral compass just broke
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
