the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
