I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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