Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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