I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize