dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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