i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I want to be your penis for a week.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
