Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
