Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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