I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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