I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
