Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
